Sunday, October 16, 2005
9:16 PM
ask me, why i liked to blog late at sat night... well.. its a night that i don't like to slp, its a night that 'l make me think of a lot of things... its a night of inspirations and feel...hw ask me an interseting question...initially i tried to avoid it, but after a while, i think deeper, that's right! i'm restricted in the first place, its wrong to like her in the first place... seeking personal unhappiness without cause.... but , now, it still seems that i really can't help it.. haha.. i really hope the testi i wrote for xq worked 4 myself too... but but but! i'm starting to get over it painfully slowly, slowly painfully... so wat?!? this is my personal war! fight! resist! i'm just average. values. personalities. ALL DIFFERENT! DO U UNDERSTAND??? i do, i really do.. i'm starting to be torn apart as well! no one should be my float now! its unfair! control yourself! look at u, wat have u been? a pathetic baby, crying on the floor over something u can't get... GROW UP! this is so childish! when'l u grow up? still young? serving in NS for the 10 th month, still acting like a child!wat's the use of having a 19teen yr old body, but equiped with a 8 yr old brain?? useless!
i noe, i fear, i don't dare to try cos i noe the result.. one of my classmate asked me, why does her boyfriend, does not want to offically ask her to be her girlfriend? despite everything is already so understood? i said its difficult to say it out.why?its just difficult.
as i answer, the memories two yrs ago haunt me.. why i din't ask? why does things have to turn out this way? i can't even talk to her when i see her... i'm guilty for hurting her, an eye contact is difficult, reading her letter, it really make me feel an ache in my heart..at that moment, i really should not had said that to her, at her mom's disapproval, i back out, or mayb i'm just selfish...then, my classmate said"u noe, gals are afraid to be hurt..."
well said... but does that means that guys are not? if u ask the question to the wrong person, u lose her permanently.. if she's the one, just ask it, u don't lose a thing... she'l be happy... guys, that is a confirmation question, its very important to ask despite it mayb embarrassing, be brave this once.. don't be like this writer ...till today, there are a lot of regrets in me, a lot of wrong decisions made, wrong timing in doing certain things, doing wrongs things at the wrong time, mood swings, selfish. it really make me look back today, before anything i do.. if starting a new relationship'l cause another pain, i do not have the courage to start...i do not want to be hurt or hurt, nits painful for everyone.. two yrs ago, its a torment to 'break", now its a torment to love.. haha.. this is stupid... u must find this cheesy...haha haha haha!!! yes! this is stupid! this is the stupid foolish me! a lot of ppl says, to have bgr is just for companionship... it'l not be till marriage anyway... then wat's the whole pt!? if marriage is not the final destination, then a painful breakup is inevitable.. wat for!? this is hurting urself and the other party whom u love once..if one or the other party is not prepared for a relationship that last, one should rather be single, or else, one'l be creating pain to both party..today wayne's musical is great! outstanding! marvelous! it really make me think, can my life have a good ending as well?? is everyone given a second chance in their life? i went to enjoy the concert with hw, two lovebirds(hx&galfriend)..envy.. haha..the musical is about a gal's dream to be the best, biggest model from singapore in New York.. she is filled with fantasy of power , fame, and wealth.. she is there, she make it big, with big sacrifices made as well... but she have taken an u-turn in her life.. she realise its not as promising afterall... its not worth it.. that's true, power, fame and wealth won't last, but ppl just want more of that.. this include the stupid me... the male lead actor said,"she is annoying, but i think she is cute..." irony? it happens.. strange huh?? haha.. love makes a person weird... haha, just that, is a gd or bad weird that's all... i'm weird... i'm getting more and more weird.. haha.. i'm don't understand myself, my friends noe me better than i do.. or i just choose to lie to myself, not accepting facts??
i have been lying to myself long enough, since p6, i hid myself in a mask of laughter, smiles. taking it off is not often,, sometimes i don't really whether i'm really feeling happy when i smile or laughed sometimes i wear it to face myself too...
well.. that's enough 4 today! haha.. don't worry guys, i'm ok.. just writing some trash to vent some emotions... haha.. nt all r true, i love to exaggerate.. haha.. have been writing since 2.. tired le.. haha..
kei zai was here.
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